The Second Time I Called the Police

I was convinced that once I was able to gain some space from John I would finally start to feel safe. In my fantasies of what it would be like without him lurking behind every corner I turned, I was finally able to breathe freely and deeply again without the constant fear I had felt …

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Mandated Reporters

Because I am a teacher, I know the ins and outs of what happens at a school.  I also know the legal requirements and the rationale behind them.  One of those requirements is that anyone who works with children is considered a "mandated reporter" by DCF.  This means that if they suspect any type of …

I Remain

"God only gives you what you can handle" ........"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... I've heard these phrases many times since I served John.  They are always spoken by well meaning people who likely don't know what to say so they rely on these common phrases.... but these words mean very little when you …

The First Time I Called the Police

Yesterday, I heard an employee of a domestic violence agency speaking on the radio.  She was telling the story of my marriage.... summing John up perfectly.  It was as if she had lived my life.... or watched it unfold somehow.  One thing that she said that really resonated with me is that many people think …

The Black Eye

  There was always a constant worry as to what was happening with John and the kids when I was not around.  It seemed like every time I left a room one of the kids claimed that John had put his hands on them, and he would always deny it.  Of course, I'd seen him …

Telephone War

Having a child with autism who can become aggressive can be utterly exhausting.  James was always really well behaved for me.  He rarely showed any negative behaviors when we were together (with the exception of when John was present and instigating).  When James was not with me, however, he frequently became aggressive and even violent.  …

John’s Character

It's amazing how threatening a subtle comment can be when you have a history of abuse lurking behind it.  I imagine that if a stranger overheard the things John said to me that I knew were meant as a threat, they might think that it was innocent.... that I was overreacting... and that is what …

Using the Children as Weapons

As John's control over me began slipping away, he began to escalate.  Anger flowed off his body in waves.  I could feel it across the room.  I did my best to avoid any interactions ... to even avoid eye contact when possible.  I became very jumpy and very on edge.  I was always aware of …

Password Protected

The small semblance of sanity that John was able to feign over the years was cracking.  His need to control me and hurt me infected every minute of every day.  The courts had essentially sentenced us to house arrest and I felt as if he was my warden. His need to control me was magnified.  …

Emotional Blackmail

Even though the children weren't aware that we were in the process of a divorce, they were beginning to react to the dynamic in the house.  John continued to say things to them when I wasn't around that confused them, upset them and alluded to the fact that there was something "bad" looming in the …