Mind Games

I did my best to make my mother's house feel like home for the children.  My mother cleared out dresser drawers and cleaned out a bedroom for each child.  I filled their beds with familiar stuffed animals.  I even started letting them use their tablets in bed for a few minutes before they were asked …

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Shadows

It's been a while since I had the time to sit down and write.  Part of me thinks that might be a good thing.  Life is getting a little bit better with every day that passes.  The pain and fear that years of emotional abuse have left behind is becoming more of a shadow behind …

The Second Time I Called the Police

I was convinced that once I was able to gain some space from John I would finally start to feel safe. In my fantasies of what it would be like without him lurking behind every corner I turned, I was finally able to breathe freely and deeply again without the constant fear I had felt …

Mandated Reporters

Because I am a teacher, I know the ins and outs of what happens at a school.  I also know the legal requirements and the rationale behind them.  One of those requirements is that anyone who works with children is considered a "mandated reporter" by DCF.  This means that if they suspect any type of …

I Remain

"God only gives you what you can handle" ........"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... I've heard these phrases many times since I served John.  They are always spoken by well meaning people who likely don't know what to say so they rely on these common phrases.... but these words mean very little when you …

The Parenting Plan

I love my children more than I could possibly put into words.  I love them more than the air that I breathe.  They are everything that is good in this world.  I would do anything to protect them.  I would die to protect them.  I always thought that would be enough.... but I was wrong.  …

Unexplained Bruises

Time went on.... the environment continued to be toxic.  John started hiding whiskey in the kitchen.  I'm not sure if he knew that I knew about it or not, but I watched each day as the bottle quickly emptied and was replaced by another.  This only strengthened my fear of sleeping in the same house …

The Black Eye

  There was always a constant worry as to what was happening with John and the kids when I was not around.  It seemed like every time I left a room one of the kids claimed that John had put his hands on them, and he would always deny it.  Of course, I'd seen him …

Telephone War

Having a child with autism who can become aggressive can be utterly exhausting.  James was always really well behaved for me.  He rarely showed any negative behaviors when we were together (with the exception of when John was present and instigating).  When James was not with me, however, he frequently became aggressive and even violent.  …

John’s Character

It's amazing how threatening a subtle comment can be when you have a history of abuse lurking behind it.  I imagine that if a stranger overheard the things John said to me that I knew were meant as a threat, they might think that it was innocent.... that I was overreacting... and that is what …