The Second Time I Called the Police

I was convinced that once I was able to gain some space from John I would finally start to feel safe. In my fantasies of what it would be like without him lurking behind every corner I turned, I was finally able to breathe freely and deeply again without the constant fear I had felt …

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Mandated Reporters

Because I am a teacher, I know the ins and outs of what happens at a school.  I also know the legal requirements and the rationale behind them.  One of those requirements is that anyone who works with children is considered a "mandated reporter" by DCF.  This means that if they suspect any type of …

I Remain

"God only gives you what you can handle" ........"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... I've heard these phrases many times since I served John.  They are always spoken by well meaning people who likely don't know what to say so they rely on these common phrases.... but these words mean very little when you …

The First Time I Called the Police

Yesterday, I heard an employee of a domestic violence agency speaking on the radio.  She was telling the story of my marriage.... summing John up perfectly.  It was as if she had lived my life.... or watched it unfold somehow.  One thing that she said that really resonated with me is that many people think …

John’s Character

It's amazing how threatening a subtle comment can be when you have a history of abuse lurking behind it.  I imagine that if a stranger overheard the things John said to me that I knew were meant as a threat, they might think that it was innocent.... that I was overreacting... and that is what …

Breathe

Have you ever had to talk yourself through breathing?  Legitimately tell yourself, "Take a breath in.... now blow it out... again..." as if you might stop breathing on the spot if you didn't remind yourself how to do it?  Have you ever felt the debilitating pain in your chest as you fought to force your …

Family Relations

Somewhere, deep down, I had thought that once I had the courage to serve John that everything would start getting better.  I would see the light at the end of the tunnel and I would feel as if I was working towards a better life.  And then I was introduced to the court system. What …

Ostrich

One thing I learned as I researched narcissists is that they rarely admit their flaws.  John was no different.  The reality of our impending divorce was very clear.  There was no question that this divorce was happening.  Living in the house was like walking around live grenades all day trying not to set one off. …

Is it Abuse?

John became less and less cooperative as we progressed through the divorce and remained in the same house together.  He continued to twist everything I said and did to try and make me doubt myself. I'm not sure why I engaged in conversations with him about the divorce.  Perhaps I still thought that I might …

An Unstable Man

Things really stared heating up after John was served.  I started keeping a journal of everything that was happening at home in the hopes that a judge would someday look at it and see that it was dangerous for the children to have time alone with John. John became even more short and rough with …