Paralyzing Fear


pexels-photo-326642.jpegThe decision to get a divorce was not an easy one.  While, at this point in my story, I was aware that this was not a healthy relationship, there was this overwhelming, paralyzing fear that was holding me back.  Fear that I was exactly what John had said I was and no one else would want me… fear that this might actually be how other marriages were and I had an idealized vision of what it should be… fear of how I was going to afford the divorce and take care of the children alone.

I read somewhere that the stress levels a person experiences during the process of divorce is similar to that of combat veterans…. and I  completely believe it.  I also believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, and the friends and family that stood by me are the reason that I made it through to the other side of this mess of a marriage.

Molly was one of those friends.  Molly was a free spirit.  She was very kind and thoughtful, but she was also a no nonsense kind of woman.  She spoke her mind and supported her friends.  No questions asked.  She helped me set up an emergency plan at work so if I didn’t show up to work one day and I didn’t call out, she had my mother’s phone number and knew to call her and then the police.

I started sending Molly copies of the videos I took of John being too rough with the children… always walking the thin line between aggressive parenting and physical abuse.  I sent her copies of the text messages and emails that John would send me attacking my character and admitting that he had been abusive to me.  I wanted someone else to have these in case something happened to me.

Like everyone else, Molly had her own issues that she was dealing with in life.  Despite that, she made time to go out with me a few weekends a month.  She listened to me… she supported me… but most importantly she encouraged me to let it go for a little while and just have some fun.  She helped me find more of those tiny fractured pieces of myself that had broken off and become lost somewhere along the way.

The people who I have been blessed enough to know in my life… that I wrote about in these last few blog posts… gave me courage… strength… support… love… and they reminded me of who I used to be and who I still could be.  And with everything that they gave me, I grew strong…. and I called a lawyer.


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