I know looking back and regretting decisions is pointless and that any decisions I made led me down the path of creating two incredible children.., but it’s so hard not to feel upset with myself for not listening to what was really in my heart.
I knew John was going to propose to me months before he asked the question. He gave me a trip to the Poconos as a Christmas gift and scheduled it for my April vacation. I remember visiting with my mother and sister a few weeks later and telling them I was sure that was the day he was going to ask. I felt excited at that point. I thought that was what I really wanted.
The next few months passed quickly and before I knew it we were pulling up to the resort. It was beautiful. There were deer everywhere that would walk right up to you. There were budding trees everywhere and the flowers were just starting to pop out of the ground. After exploring for a bit we went back to our room to get ready for dinner.
I looked in the mirror and saw John pacing back and forth behind me. It was going to happen. Suddenly I felt panic. My mind started screaming… I don’t want this! Crap. How do I get out of this?! He’s not the right one! This isn’t right! I started to stall. I kept interrupting him and changing the subject when he started to talk. It worked for about a half an hour and then I couldn’t stall anymore. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Even though my mind was screaming “No!” something inside of me that had become hollow caved in and I said “yes”. I could almost feel it inside of myself… as if the acceptance that I was settling for unhappiness and aggressiveness physically caused my insides to cave in. Why did I do this to myself? Had I already lost so much of myself that I wouldn’t listen to the voices screaming in my head? I felt obligated to say yes. I told him I loved him. I made him think I wanted to marry him. I had to say yes or I was a bad person. My logic wasn’t flawed…. it was insane. But that feeling of obligation to put other people first that I had lived with my entire life was stronger than my ability to understand and act on my true feelings. And so I said yes… and the story of my verbally abusive relationship became the story of my verbally abusive marriage.